hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
