Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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