I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
