We're facebook friends in real life
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
