You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
