Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize