Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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