All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
