I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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