Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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