If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
