she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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