Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
