Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
