I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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