just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
