I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
false alarm, still single
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