First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize