I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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