im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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