She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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