My Higher Power is John Stamos
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
