I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize