i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
