i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
