If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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