This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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