Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
