Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
do herpes really smell.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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