I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
