she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
