i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The uberlube is also flammable
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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