his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
