I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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