I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
