i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize