Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
