sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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