Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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