Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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