He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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