Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
