I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
