you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
