Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
