Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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