i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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