I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
false alarm, still single
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