I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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