i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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