i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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