This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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