You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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