my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
