I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
