i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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